“He’s just doing that to get my attention.

Yes, you got that one right. Children want our attention. This attention getting behavior means there is something she needs right now, and she wants our help to get it. He is bored and wants someone to play with. She is tired and needs us to help her get ready for bed, but she doesn’t want to miss out on anything that we might do when she is asleep. He’s showing off in front of his friends, saying things he never says around you to gain some acceptance from his peers.

Children do need our attention. The root of the word means to notice, to focus on, or to bend to care for another’s needs. Notice me. Focus on me. Stop what you’re doing and help me out right now. Their needs are rarely on our time table. As soon as we begin some kind of project, that seems to signal our unavailability, and their need jumps to high, demanding an immediate response. The phone rings and we sit down to talk and now our toddler who was playing quietly on her own loudly insists we stop and focus on her.

Sometimes the need is critical. His fussiness has driven you crazy all day, then in the middle the night, he spikes a fever. Oh, now I get it. Or she was dragged on way too many errands and she has a meltdown because she can’t take this any longer. We need to get home where we will both be able to relax. Other times, we gently help children learn that everything isn’t about them. They eventually learn to be respectful of others and wait their turn. They learn to take care of themselves and figure some things out on their own.

A child’s behavior may also be telling us something deeper. He’s not doing that to make us mad or to make trouble for us. He’s frustrated or disappointed or hurt. Or she’s excited or curious. Most behavior is saying something about what this child needs or wants. We say they are “acting out,” but the behavior is calling us to attention - hey, stop and notice!

At these times, we can acknowledge the feelings that the behavior is expressing. And we can ask questions. “You seem frustrated. What would really help you right now?”

Everyone needs attention. So do we. We need to take care of our selves, too, so we will have the patience to respond to others.