Saturday, March 15, 2008

Changing our focus

When we are in the middle of struggles with our children, it is hard to imagine a positive outcome. Yet, no one ever really dug themselves out of hard times by focusing on the problem. We are able to find our way through the muck and sludge by using our positive character traits to lead us to the solution: our willingness, our courage, our determination, our creativity.

"Our son is so stubborn. He resists everything we ask him to do. He only wants to hang out with his friends or be on his computer. His homework is a struggle. And then when he does finally finish, we are all so exhausted we just fall into bed. Then the next day it is the same thing all over again. Why does he fight everything?"

Stubbornness takes two. We are also very persistent in our request. We have our ideas about how things should be done, and when he doesn't cooperate, he seems stubborn. But to him, we are being inflexible and unwilling to see things from his perspective. How can we view this situation differently? We can start by looking for the strengths.

Instead of the negative view reflected in stubbornness, determination is a desirable trait. We just want children to be determined and persistent and motivated by the "right" action. So, can we look at them through a different lens? The same child who seems manipulative has the creativity to work the situation to secure what he needs. The child who is feisty and resistant may also be energetic and able to stand up for what he believes. The child who is busy and into everything may have a strong spirit of adventure, willing to try new things. The child who seems to be ignoring us may be very focused on his own activity.

It takes an entirely different mindset to stop focusing on the negative and start noticing the positive potential. But when we do, often the behaviors change right before our eyes.

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