The ties that bind

An enduring emotional bond often develops between parent and child. This loving bond will help children create and sustain healthy relationships throughout their lives. Attachment can begin before a child is born, and grows as children learn to trust us to meet their needs. When we respond to an infant’s cries by offering food or comfort, she learns that she can trust her own body’s signals and her ability to communicate her needs. Through this reciprocal give and take, children learn they can count on us and on their own experiences to guide them socially and emotionally.

Our busy lives can make it challenging to make the time for connecting, but our children grow as a result of our efforts. Our strong bonds to our children are not something that is achieved and then guaranteed indefinitely. We must regularly work to maintain close ties to each other. We build and maintain strong attachments by:
~ holding babies when we feed them and keeping them close by;
~ talking with children as we go about our daily activities;
~ singing and reading with them;
~ answering their many questions;
~ being there for them when they are excited, pleased, frightened, or frustrated;
~ giving our uninterrupted, focused attention some time during the day.

This connection is short circuited when our increasingly independent children naturally push us away. As they become more capable, we will be needed less. They reach out to others. They try new things. And they push us away. The image that comes to mind is the “Push-Me / Pull - You” from the Dr. Doolittle stories. This llama like creature has four legs and two heads. One head with a long neck and two legs are pulling in one direction. And rather than a tail, they have another long neck and head pulling their other two legs in the other direction. You can imagine the fight this creature must get into with itself. This is how we feel sometimes when children demand our help and attention one moment and scream for us to “leave me alone” the next.

It can be difficult to strike a balance between meeting a child’s needs with love and support, while also giving space for independence. We find ourselves asking - when do I offer support and when do I let go with love and encourage independence?
~ We let go when they take their first steps.
~ We let go when we walk them into kindergarten and say goodbye.
~ We let go when she is angry at a friend and we can’t do anything to fix it.
~ We let go when he can’t find something in his messy room.
~ We let go when the math homework isn’t turned in on time.
~ We let go on the first date.

Our relationships are about creating a balance between holding on and letting go. Children need both. They need to know they can count on us to be there for them, and to lovingly let go with each new stage of development. With regular renewal, our emotional ties connect us for a lifetime.